July 7th, 2009
Reed Holm, Who is this guy?
If the Village of Whistler was a majestic medieval kingdom with kings and queens and dragons and wizards, there is but one man who could lay claim to the title of court jester. He is not your ordinary man, but truly one in 6,769,593,359, which of course, is the current population of the world that he has effortlessly made funnier. His unwavering and unpredictable brand of humor brings blissful joy to the entourage that constantly and happily surrounds him, and his raw and rough freestyles, comical facial expressions, and grandiose entrances are simply unmatched. He is a legend in the minds of all those who’ve had the utmost pleasure of basking in his presence. He is Reed Speedman International Nothing. And you want to know him. - Jeff Schmuck
Speedman
How did you get the nickname Speedman?
Reedo turned to Speedo to Reedman and then to Speedman… And Bibby addressed me as my business title. Reed Speedman, International Nothing. How are ya.
What keeps you living in Whistler?
Chicks, friends, ummmmm and I guess skiing
What does your average day consist of?
Sleep. Smiling. Laughs. Putting on my fresh VOLEURZ shit. Chin-ups. Drink. Dance. Repeat.
What is with your hair cut? Do you gel it?
It’s fly. And when I went to get it some super hot chick was cutting hair and I was super stoked. In my head I already had her number and was rounding first base. She asks if I want a cut after this other dude. I nod stoked. Then some busted ass chick old and fat comes out so you can hate her or hate her. And now I look ten. Yes gel.
What do you do for a living?
International Nothing.
Describe how you would pick up a chick in the bar? At a coffee shop? At the lake?
Eye contact. These eyes of mine are lethal. I caution all chicks they can get lost very easily in them. My dance moves at the bar. My chugging coffee skills at coffee shops. And my super, super volleyball spike at the beach.
Beer or wine?
Now? Both.
Top or bottom?
Top when I’m energetic. Bottom when I’m blacked out.
Give or receive?
Give to hot chicks only…receive whoever man.
Do you Twitter?
No. Too much hype. Everybody is under the impression their lives are so exciting, when most of the time they are caught up in their stupid ass Twitter updates. Pissin me off.
Run or walk quickly?
Run. Reed Speedman.
What are you afraid of?
Ummmm nothing. I get afraid of when I wake up and it’s morning with minimal recalls of a night.
Favorite line to say?
It’s me man speeeeeeeeeeeeeed.
What would you do with a million dollars?
Hot dogs n’ beers for me and my friends
How often do you stretch it out?
Dance floor errrrrrrrrrrrrrrry night ma!
How would a chick pick you up?
Be hot. And stare at me. Tell me you think I’m funny. I love thinking I’m funny.
Where did you learn how to play volleyball so well?
UMMMMM… My dad played national team so it’s in my blood… He is a cowboy.
Favorite late night snack?
Cereal. I do Reese’s Pieces cereal and Golden Grahams together. I’m so, so brainy. Wait, I mean beer n’ whiskey cause I’m a man…
Black or white?
Black. I mean if I was super PROOOOOOOOOO and had fresh white tees all the time, then white. But me verses white tee I always win and nothing gets out red wine.
Text or phone calls?
Text. Unless you’re in my “5” then you get calls…
Country or rap?
Rapping about country…
Spit or swallow?
Spit fire man.
Boxers or briefs?
Boxer briefs…super original I’m so funny…
Speedo or board shorts?
Speedo man…board shorts are for cool boarders…
What do you think about Crocs?
Piss me off… I have one homie back home who loves them, Franzi take note to this…they’re so damn gay. I mean it’s telling the world you’re over caring what anyone thinks. LAME.
Pet peeves?
A lot of things piss me off. Chicks, guys, big dogs, how big dogs’ tails knock shit over and the owner thinks it’s so cute and it’s just stupid as hell and stinks and pisses me off… A pet peeve about a pet, haha. Faaaaaaaaack I’m pimp.
Do you know how to read, if so favorite book?
This is an elementary flash back, but yes, I can read. I really like that A Million Little Pieces book till it turns out he is a idiot and lied about his party stories. Pissed.
What is your ideal bachelor party (stag)?
Bunch chicks, bunch free drinks, bunch beats, bunch bros, bunch food.
Tell me your favorite story that best describes who you are, really?
During Telus Festival I got tan lines on my dimples from smiling so much. I’m happy a lot. I wanna tell a better one like “u are now,” but that might be a little gnarly and show how awesome I am.
What’s your relation to the ski industry?
Ummmm well I grew up skiing with TJ and Bibby (whatever not a big deal whatever) and some other Vernon cats and I’m from Kimberley…big ups Dude Ranch Frat. I was good and shared podium with those handsome hunks then fell really good and shattered my shit hella hard before it was cool to do it. And then I consistently have not been able to get good ever. AHAHA, so I went to COLLEGE!!! Got bunch of it paid cause I’m brainy as hell. And now I’m back in Whistler thinking about dropping in on the industry bizzz styles like Ferg and Cody, they’re fly. But for now I’m just super funny and everyone whose PROOOOOOO can just steal my jokes and use them in their next year’s segments…idiots. But now I make tons of pals from it so that’s good stuff.
Tell us about your new hit single, ‘Me and My Joe Friend’ that is gonna put ‘My Friend is a Pro’ to shame.
Ummmm well the track is to the beat ‘Me and My Girlfriend’ with my good friend Sean Carter aka Jay-Z and his shorty B. And it’s Bibby, Chug and I verbally slaying shit. But it took like five minutes and we kinda got over it. But hopefully it turns out funny for at least us. It’s about Joe ‘Cheese Belly’ Schuster and how he kills it soooooper hard but don’t really got dem papers yet mannnnn. As far as the second part goes, my friends are actually pros but as far as pro visuals it probably will be a huge let down in comparison but I will laugh harder at mine, cause I think I’m really, really funny. And ours will only be funny to 10 people but those 10 will think it’s a hundred times better than ‘My Friend is a Pro.’ This is how Pac and Biggie died.
How did you break your ankle earlier this year?
I was braining. I had just got off my shoulder brace and just locked down three weeks of private lessons. Then some super brain chick pissed me off and I kicked a pylon. Then I tried to put it back in my ski boot and it kinda cracked. But I just told everyone it was from skiing, cause I’m so good. So I judged the ski shit at WSI in a cast with bunch good dudes with handsome Mike Atkinson as the boss and had to pee in a bottle cause I couldn’t climb down the judges’ ladder booth. JEEEA!
Who is your favorite country singer?
Alan Jackson. He has dope blonde hair, a fly-ass moustache and tight jeans with the hottest chick ever. And unlike most rap songs I can relate to that guy, “We were fogging up the windows in my ol’ Chevy, I was willing but she wasn’t ready, so I settle for a burger and a grape snow cone, dropped her off early but I didn’t go home…down by the river on a Friday night, pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight, talking bout cars and dreamin bout women.” That’s real shit…
What place did you get in batchi last year at July Fest?
Hahaha, it’s bocce u mathemagician. We screwed up at the Bocce Nationals in my hometown so we started a Frat so we could enter a team. STEW LABINE AND I are the original cast…Berny and my boy Sleazy T are in there and Pinhead has been trying and Bulf may get on sometime too. And we just wear little boy outfits and play bocce party so hard and chirp old-ass men. But we played early Saturday morning and I was the only one who showed up, haha. Ricketts Rip Curl guy and long time friend hopped on board and it was dope. We also have teen heartthrobs Ty Spence and Margetts pledging…and that reminds me…when you read this Marg ten push-ups yelling Dude Ranch and that you’re a scientist of butt cheeks. It’s coming up in two weeks so I hope we win…Gibby will lose for sure.
Who gave you the nickname Reedo and what is the story behind that?
Well me and one of my best friends JOSHUA ROBERT BIBBY were on the chair going up to the glacier three years ago. Lil’ hung over and Bibby’s Dad Bob who is the man calls us and then for some reason calls me Reedo. And we laugh about it. Then we start using it and now it’s more common than regular Reed. So thanks BOB-O, cause he is the creator.
What are all your nicknames?
Reedo, Speedo, Speedman, Reed Speedman Holmz, Speeds Brain, Speedpants, bunch ones…I’m so popular I have tons of friends…hahaha kiddin, but serious.
Tell us about all your dope roommates.
Well my boyfriend Robin is traveling so CHUG this dude you guys don’t know is crashing there and now it’s a hostel for idiot skier loser idiot heads, haha. And we have a dope banner that I made with everyone on it…1307 wadup.
Thanks and shout-outs?
To anyone who read to the bottom of this, you’re silly…and when u see me high-five me and tell me how hot I am. Big ups to chicks, friends, my new Voleurz t-shirt that is gonna get me chicks, family including the new addition, I’m now Uncle Speedman. And my biceps, my quads, and my liver…sorry bout the abuse bud.
